Why Christmas Isn't Always So Merry.

I can't seem to shake this feeling of depression that's been hanging over my head lately. I don't know if it's the fact that term is ending and I'm stressing about that, if it's my pretty nonexistent social life, or that it's the holiday season again. Maybe a combination of all of them, I just hate feeling so good for a while then just wanting to drop it all and move far far far away.

Grades were due today so there really isn't much I can do to change what I have now. I just hope I'll be okay. School feels like such a challenge sometimes, especially math and physics. I'm so terrified that I won't be able to handle college, I don't want to be a drop out. Christmas break really couldn't come at a better time, I feel like if I don't get a break soon my brain will implode.

Christmas is hard. It's a hell of a lot easier then it was 3 years ago but it's still a little sad and melancholy. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, I love the sights and smells and sounds. I love being close to my family and friends who care about and love me. I just wish my family felt complete. I mean I miss my mom, of course, and around the holidays it's hard know that she won't be here for yet another one and never will be again, but now it's more like I miss feeling like a whole family. You know, mom, dad, sister, brother. Curt, Dad, and I are a family I know that, and we're close but it always feels like we're missing some key element and it bugs me. It's not even that I want my mom back (don't get me wrong, I love her and always will, but I've learned to live without her and I can see how things in my life really wouldn't change if she was here so it's no use wishing) it's that I want somebody to care about me like a parent does. Dad cares, he cares a lot and I love him for that but I want to be selfish and have two people care for me like that. I don't think I'll ever get that though, I should be happy with the parent I still have (and I really am blessed that dad is here for me) but I just want what my friends have. I want a mom, because apparently I don't get my real one. I know I'm almost 18 and I'll be leaving soon but I think that no matter how old you get, some part of you always wants your mom, or somebody to care for you like your mother did. Okay, now it's time to put my abandonment issues back into their little box.

Nothing Gets Crossed Out

That's pretty much the story of my life. I have all these goals and tasks to do and I never can seem to get them done. The list gets longer and longer. Thank goodness Christmas is almost here, I can't wait! Thanksgiving was fun, I ate way too much BBQ'd turkey and yams, had a great time at Samantha's, and had a nice break. I'm ready for Christmas though, it's weird to think that this is my last holiday season at home. I mean I'll come home for Christmas and stuff but I won't actually be living with my family anymore. I wonder what that'll be like. 

I drove to school today for the first time in like two weeks. It started snowing, and heavily, around then and I do not drive in the snow or ice. Today I finally braved the roads (seeing as they were all pretty much clear and dry) and things were fine. It was my first time driving the new BMW and it seemed to handle great. All that changed when I got into the school parking lot. The thing is covered in ice, like a skating rink. I was so scared, my back end kept sliding around and I had no idea how to put the 4-wheel drive on. It took me forever to park and I was so freaked out. I made it though thank heaven and didn't kill myself or any one around me. 

Speaking of all the ice, it is a terrible, terrible thing. I've already had my first fall of the winter. This happened Saturday when I was up at my aunt Natée's and my uncle Dan's house. Just as my dad and I are leaving, I start walking down their steps and fall flat on my butt. It hurt so friggin bad! I thought I was safe for a while though. I mean get the first slip out of the way and there is no way gravity will be so cruel as to let you fall three days later. Well let me tell you, gravity is a bitch. I was walking to seminary today, minding my own business, and next thing I know I'm on the ground on top of this huge slab of ice. I should sue the school for not properly removing snow and ice. The whole back side of the school and all the portable's are covered. If they expect us to have class out there they need to make it SAFE! Heating the stupid buildings (with more then one little space heater) would be awesome to. 

My jacket smells like fried foods. We went to Chile's tonight after Curt's choir concert. It was pretty tasty, but this huge group next to us had these obnoxious guys that would not shut up. 

I need to figure out what classes to take next semester. I want to try and get my CNA but I need to figure out if I can drop some classes so I can actually take the CNA course. Blah I'm tired and I need to get up at like 5.30 for a seminary morning side. 

Weekend Wars

It's been an age since I last posted. I'm now the proud recipient of a 21 on the ACT, sister to a 16 year old brother, owner of a new drawstring bag which I made. Things have been okay, though to tell you the truth I'm absolutely wiped out. I feel like have so much going on, when in reality I really don't. I'm just lazy and my time seems to fly by. 


     Curt has a jazz concert tonight at 7. I'm excited to hear them play, I know Curt has been working really hard. The weather was great today, fairly warm which is great because I'm getting sick of the cold. I think it's a bad sign. seeing as it's only been really cold for maybe two weeks and I'm already looking forward to spring. It's snowed a little bit since I last posted but never enough for it to stick to the ground for very long. It's melted by the next day. 


     I kinda want to go see New Moon. I vowed that I wouldn't get too excited about it but I can't help it. I'm excited and I refuse to feel ashamed. I wish I had tickets for tomorrow, but I'll probably have to wait a while to see it. Ah C'est la vie.


     MMMM. I smell pizza!

Landlocked Blues

TERM IS OVER!!! Thank goodness to, I thought it would go on forever. I did fairly well in all my classes thank goodness, no F's or anything like that. now I just have to do even better next term. Today was a half day and I get the next two days off which is quite frankly bliss.

     On a more somber note, my former band teacher Miss. Christensen died this passed weekend in a bus crash, here's the link to an article about the crash. Curtis and I went to the candle light vigil American Leadership Academy held for her. It was good but is it bad to say that I'm glad it's over? Her funeral is on Saturday and I think Curt and I are going.


     I don't want to dwell too much so moving on to happier things. LONG WEEKEND!! I don't really have any plans except for to sleep as much as possible. Maybe I'll hang out with Kaitlynn, and Mauricio and I were planning on doing something this Saturday but we'll see. I want a vacation though, I need to get away from Happy Valley for a bit. Some place warm would be amazing, near the beach to. Actually I just want to go to Disneyland, I miss it. I feel happy when I'm there and I can forget about my cares for a few days.

     I had a senior meeting today and it was just basically Ms. Cooper chewing us out for not ordering our cap and gown, also for not going to the senior meetings during lunch. I however have done both (being the goodie goodie nerd I am) and the meeting was pretty much pointless, though I did get out of math for a bit.

Something Vauge

It be cold here in Spanish Fork. We've finally turned the heater on and it's reminding me of Christmas. I feel like dragging the tree and all up stairs and setting up. I figured we'd get a jump start on decorating so we can leave all out stuff up from October till February. No seriously folks, the Christmas stuff stay up at my house till the secondish week of February. Why till then you ask? Well really it's quite simple, I refuse to have Christmas decorations in the background of my birthday photos. If my birthday wasn't so soon after it would probably stay up a lot longer. It always feels so empty when we take the tree down so we put it off as long as possible.

Oh look at me, talking about Christmas and we haven't even had Halloween yet. I used to get really excited for Halloween, I loved dressing up and the free candy wasn't bad either. Though it wasn't really free, you've got to work for it. They make you walk all over the neighborhood in freezing cold weather (unless you're one of those whimps who trunk-or-treats) and you have to sit through adults trying to scare you. I remember this one time when I went to the door of a house and rang the bell, I was the only one up there and a lady answers the door. I smile and hold out my bag waiting for her to give up the goods and she just stares at me. Stares for a really really long time. I'm about to turn away but she finally says, "What do you say?" It freaked me out so much that she actually spoke so I said the automatic response to that question. "Please?" She started laughing and saying I was a very well mannered little kid. I felt pretty stupid because I couldn't figure out what she wanted me to say. Isn't that what all adults want you to say. Please and Thank You. Then it dawns on my little brain. The answer is trick-or-treat. Suffice to say I felt like an idiot.

First term is almost over which is crazy to me, I mean where did the time go? Why are all these things due all of a sudden. Why oh why didn't I keep on top of my school work like I promised my self I would do this year. I'll tell you why, it's because I love procrastination. That must be the explanation. I'm going to go buy a ring and ask it's daddy for it's hand. Who is procrastination's father anyway?

I have to take English 10 next term. Not happy about it but what can you do. I didn't like the class then, I know I'm not going to like it now. However it'll bring my GPA up and that's the reason I'm doing it.

I'm finally taking the ACT on October 24, yeah took me long enough I know but that doesn't matter I'm registered now and I'll report to hell at 8 a.m. sharp.

That's all for today munchkins, till we next meet!

The Ice Is Getting Thinner

This school thing is highly overrated. Is it May yet? When can I be done with high school and move on to bigger and better things? What's happened since I last posted? Not much actually, life has been pretty dull this past week.. I got sick last week (real exciting) and was throwing up Chinese food for a night then just feeling crummy for another day. No need to worry reader, I'm much better and am now in the process of catching up on all the work I missed. Mainly a test and lots of math and physics assignments which definitely aren't easy.

I wish I had some cool pictures to post or something but seeing as my camera is sitting in a plastic baggie in pieces I have nothing to take photos with. As for my computer, it's still in need of a new hard drive which I'm hoping to get very soon. I'll be happy when I don't have to use the downstairs computer when I need to update this or work on homework. My iPod Touch has been helpful though, since I can check facebook and my mail from it as well as get on the internet though it can be a pain sometimes. I miss my macbook.

I had an assembly today after school about graduation. Well mostly about graduation cap and gown and all this other junk you can get with it. Though I don't think I'll order my invitations from the Jostens company. They're rather expensive and I don't really like the way they look. Now to figure out who to invite.....

I suppose that's it for now....
till next time my dearies!

Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh

I can't stop listening to Bright Eyes, it's just too amazing to not listen to.

It's once again been well over a month since I've updated and I'm sure you're all just so relieved to see that there is indeed a new post.

What you may ask has been going on in my life since August the 2nd? Well I'll tell you since you asked so nicely. I started my senior year of high school on the 17th of August and while I'm ready to graduate and move on to bigger and better things I'm also anxious about leaving home. I wonder if I'm really ready or if it'll all just blow up in my face soon after I leave.

The Friday before school started my dad's retina detached, that was not a fun experience. I had to take him to the hospital that night for emergency surgery that night and then he was down for a little over two weeks recovering from that. It was a tad stressful being the only one who could drive or really do anything outside the house. Though he wasn't allowed to read or do anything on the computer. He started watching a lot of T.V. and that's how he got both of us hooked on Mad Men.

Let me just say that I love this show. I love the characters, the story line, the actors and most especially the clothes. I love how they stay true to the way things were in the 60's. Kids riding in the car with no seat belts let alone car seats, as well as mixing drinks for their parents and running around with dry cleaning bags over their heads. :)

The clothes are awesome and while I don't think I could always wear something to make my skirts fluffier all the time it would be fun to dress like that for a while.

I went to homecoming this past Saturday, and while my date was a total dud. Ignoring me for the most part for his friends and just in general not talking to me, I had a good time. Thank goodness for big groups of friends and Tiffany and Bridger. I felt kinda bad because they came to the dance together but I think I dance with Bridger more than Tiffany did. But it was great to get to know both of them a little better and I had a lot of fun hanging out with them. I think I made a little bit of a fool of myself at the dance but hey I had fun and I think that's all that matters.

My dress was way cute and cost like 10 dollars (thank goodness for thrift shops) and my hair was amazing and took so little time to do. If I can find the pictures on my dad's computer I'll put them up on here.


My date's name was Scott and I doubt I will ever see him again thank goodness. Pretty sucky first date (pathetic that I have to wait till my senior year of high school to go on my first date) but it was a great first high school dance, it'll probably be my last as well but at least I'll be able to say I've been to one.

I've been home sick today which hasn't been fun at all. I was up most of the night paying tribute to the porcelain alter. I'm staying away from chicken in garlic sauce for a while.